This is the view from our room at the Hep Yo Sef Inn. It's one of the most value-for-money, romantic, cosy and clean carriage houses I'd ever lived in. And it's a great way to start our 2 year stint in Savannah. Here's the link to the inn's website: http://www.hepyosef.com/carriage.htm which has got more professional pictures on it.

Tibby looks most confortable in our new home. I think she has never looked so contented as she does now in the carriage house. For some reason, she actually felt quite brave to even wander outside of the room rather quickly, and explored the neighbourhood for a bit. She had never explored our HDB flats so quickly as she did here. She was usually more cautious, and having been lost a few times, she does know her limitations somewhat! However, she seemed more confident of herself in Savannah. Perhaps it's the smell of the hard wood flooring, or the rustic smell of wood on the balcony of the carriage house, whatever the case, she seems much at ease and I don't have the heart to break the news to her that we'd be moving in 2 weeks' time to an all carpet room...hope she doesn't fret too much then. She would only have the four walls of a room and us by then!

Uprooting oneself from your comfort zone is never easy. But I believe the Lord has been speaking to us through Pastor Prince's message for the last half a year. He kept on exhorting the congregation to move out of our comfort zones and into the land flowing with milk and honey. I believe God is telling Don and myself that it's time to move out, so He can bless us with even more! So, as I looked at the little keepsake notebook that Justine and Verna gave to us as a parting gift, I knew exactly the verse to be printed on the front. I added the prayer of Jabez to the first print page. I want to remember everyday, be revived in my soul with the knowledge that the Lord is ever ready to bless us indeed and increase our territory; that we would have wealth we would never run out of and health to enjoy every moment of it all. So when we meet with the little thorns in life, we don't feel like we are alone and that no one, not even God, is anywhere to be found. To think that God is not in control of our lives ever, is a strange thought, for God is God. Even if we were burgled, robbed, facing possible failures in our careers, being spat upon by relatives and looked down by society, we must be clear in our minds that these things are not purposed by God but by satan.

After all these years of listening to Pastor Prince, I think the one thing that I learnt was that if we ever come to a place where we think we've got it sorted, that we have our act together, this place is the most dangerous place and the one that is surely leading to some sort of failure.

Yesterday, I came across a Chinese Proverb (don't ask me what it is in Chinese, cos I don't know, I read it in English!). It carried a statement I quite well agree. It read,"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I write and I understand." I thought that that had always been kind of true for me, which was why I started writing down Pastor's sermons about 2 years back, in my own words, of course. I realised it was quite futile just listening to tapes, or watching him on video. I needed to write it all down, point by point, for myself to digest my broken trail of thoughts and assemble them into meaningful applications for myself.

By making my own notes, my own little drawings, I understand the principles of God better. We're so blessed to have Pastor Prince to preach to us. His words are really words of life, because only words of life can change people's lives. I do not know how Don and my life would be had we not sat under his teaching and put everything he said to good use.

Don is definitely not the man I married, and neither am I the woman he married. Both of us have changed our minds about so many things, it is in fact, quite impossible to meet up with old friends of the past and have them believe it's the same 2 people, just with our central nervous sytem totally upgraded and allocated with much more space for future upgrading :). I used to hate myself and was depressed most of the time, but now, I love myself to bits because I know that Jesus's blood has washed me so clean that there is now, no more, never again, condemnation for me by anyone, any being or anything, till the day Jesus comes again and takes us all to the ever-blessed land of God :). This, is the power of God to change anyone's life.

Howdie! Howdie! Howdie! We're here! We're here! We're here! Hahaha, I can hardly contain my excitement...this must be the longest holiday in my life :) Don and I have arrived, complete with 3 overweight baggages, one of which was oversized as well, and Tibby, in more or less, stable state. The airport custom officer was kind to us to let us through without charging excess baggage, I think she saw the cat and thought we were nice people, that's why. Tibby's air-ticket was USD100. Her export permit was S$50 and her vet certificate costed us S$31.50 from the vet's and $21.50 from AVA. Altogether, we paid about S$250 for her passageway to USA.

And thank God we brought her along. At every customs check in USA, people were friendly when they saw our cat. At Chicago airport, where we expected to be checked thoroughly just like our past experience in New York JFK airport last year, it was surprisingly smooth and swift. Simply because we had a cat, and had to declare her. The usual green "Nothing to Declare" line was a long queue, but our red "Things to Declare" line was bare. We got there, and were simply intereviewed for some of our cat's life and Singapore life in general. Our baggages were not even checked, whilst we saw everybody else's being thoroughly examined by the customs officers on the green line. Wow! It was a good thing we brought her. I don't think it'll be right to have come USA for 2 years and not bring her along. Tibby's family after all, much as most people might not understand, but well, we don't live our lives for others, do we?

Don and my parents might have freaked out a little and questioned the sanity of it all, but we don't really care. We don't see them that often, and we definitely won't be seeing them for the next 2 years :) Haha, this is not to say that we don't respect and love them for who they are, but we make our own decisions and are ready to stand by the consequences ourselves, whatever they maybe, whether good or bad. For which in this case, it turned out to our advantage, and really, we're so glad to have her with us. She's such a dear little thing. Quiet, timid, submissive and obedient. Her curiosity and inquisitive ways often land us in softened chuckles as we watch her in amusement as she sniff and explored her new surroundings. I can't wait to see how she is in winter, whether she'll be cold. It's great!

So far, our trip has been a really blessed one, and I think I must say I learnt that we had so many friends, more than we thought we had in many people. So many people cared for us when they learnt that we were leaving, and Don and I are really in awe of it all. We hadn't realised we meant something to others, I mean, most of the time, we just all live our own lives. But when we held a chalet and so many people turned up, and the generosity of everyone with their ang pows was quite unexpected. It really warmed our hearts. It's not the amount that was given, but the fact that people were early at the chalet (I'm ashamed to say we were late), and that people came to chat with us and caught up with us despite everyone's busy schedule (being mother's day and all that), and the speedy responses to our invitations...all these spoke much of the friendships that we had made for the last 4 to 5 years. We can't thank everyone enough for their well wishes and generosity, but I know we'll remember each and everyone in our hearts and in our prayers for always. People's lives we know who have made a difference in our lives, and whom we'll always treasure. A big Thank You to everyone. You know who you are!

You know, I think my husband is one of the funniest people in the world! If only people could live in the same household as me, they'd never believe how funny he can be. If you don't know him and meet him for the first time, you'd probably describe him as quiet, calm, solemn, serious, perhaps a little eccentric, has a strong disposition and altogether the type of guy you'd just leave alone to sit in his own little corner. But if you know him like I do, he's full of antics, every moment bursting forth with some silent joke, so subtle that you might miss it if you weren't listening carefully, hence, I call them 'silent jokes'. We once attended drama class from Luwei School of Drama, and he'd never be able to act properly in front of others. He just simply wouldn't get into his act, so to speak, either laughing or forgetting his lines, or simply freezing on the spot. However, once he got home and was with me alone, he becomes this crazy creature that is able to act out his part like nobody's business. He can sing, dance, prance around the room, do goofy acts, do the Hoola Hoop, you name it, he can do it. And his moves are so, SOOOO, funny. I laugh everytime I think of some of Don's Funniest Home Videos...really. Sometimes, I sit at my work desk and remember something he'd done last night and I can't quit smiling to myself. It doesn't help that my desk faces everyone else in the division. They must think I'm mad. And they might think I'm not working. Sigh!

See all these pictures. He's just so creatively funny. It's amazing! I love him to bits. Couldn't wish for a better partner in life. And to think I married him not for love, but simply to run away from my family. God is good! I'd told God I don't care who I married, I just wanted to get married and get away from all my family squabbles. They're getting too violent for my comfort. I thought then that if I find I didn't like whoever I married, I could always divorce. And by then, I would have my own place, and can live independently of my family. So, it was like,"here goes nothing"! There was nothing to lose, everything to gain...and Praise the Lord! I've gained so much from the marriage! He turned out to be so much more than I could ever think, or ask! God is amazing...I don't know how He does it, but He does it all the time. He takes the weak to shame the wise, He always upholds, always brings us to greater heights. He never puts us to shame, always patient with us, always keeping us in His hands. We try to jump out of his arms sometimes, but He always holds us steady. God is amazing! I'm glad God always kept me in His loving arms. I would have gone so far astray if not.

We finally received the I-20 forms from SCAD yesterday, sent via DHL in the night. Praise the Lord! Even as each hurdle that came our way in relation to the US trip was overcome by the Lord, me of little faith can scarcely see any part of our future after Jun 06. We leave on a morning flight on 31 May 06, and will not see Singapore for at least one and half years. In fact, I'm not even sure that we'll ever see it again for that matter, since we'd actually bought a one-way ticket to Savannah with absolutely no spare cash whatsoever to fly back. I can't believe I'm typing this, but it's true. We have possibly just enough to live through the year or 2 in Savannah, but I don't really know for sure that we will! Hahaha, gosh, I don't think I should think about it too much. It wouldn't help to increase our wealth just by thinking about it.

In moments like these, I recall past sermons from Pastor Lin Yi Zhong, whose sermons I had previously listened umpteen times just to have a good laugh. He was so funny about his walk of faith with the Lord in the area of finances. He'd shared how he pressed on the ATM to produce money that he did not have, believing that God can create the impossible. Later, he was to learn that this was not the way of the Lord. He'd talked about how he had tithed his money, and how the Lord blessed him exactly 10 times the amount he tithed a week later, just enough for his rent. He had said that he had no money to live in Australia, and had no money to fly back. He'd lived day by day, believing in God, trusting Him to bring in the finances. And the Lord was faithful to bring in the money through blessings of cash that would come his way in miraculous ways. An old beaten-up bicycle with only 2 speed gears was stolen from him only to be restored with an almost brand new 10-speed gear bicycle. He'd told God that if it was His will that he came back to Malaysia, that the Lord will provide the money for his flight. And true enough, even as he sat in the travel agency, waiting for the agent to ask him to pay for his ticket, and wondering how he was going to tell the man he had no money to pay for the ticket, the miracle unfolded before his very eyes. Someone had already paid for him. He never quite knew who paid for it, but no matter what, he now stood years later, in Malaysia, preaching God's word, constantly singing and making melody in his heart about the Lord's goodness and mercy.

I'm truly grateful for the testimonies shared to strengthen the faith of others that might have to go through similar situations. I, for one, am now, seriously in need of such faith preaching. I must say though, that despite all the future that I cannot see, if I sat still and searched my spirit, something keeps telling me I'll be alright. The Lord keeps saying, how would I ever leave you untended in the wilderness? Yes, Father, you have never let me alone all these years. I've been so secure, whether or not I knew You were beside me. You had taken care of me.

Pastor Prince's sermon a couple of weeks ago was exhorting us to be filled with hope. For hope is what gives rise to the exertion of faith. Without hope, there can be no faith, for faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Wow, I never saw it that way. We must have hope in the future, otherwise, we cannot even exert our faith to believe in our hopes. I think Pastor Prince has outdone himself once again! Such revelation, seemingly simple, but somehow, I don't think I ever got it through my thick head :). Oh I love that sermon, HOPE. Yes, I will continue to hope for the better life that I believe the Lord meant for me on earth.

I thank God I'd listened to both Pastor Prince's and Pastor Lin's sermons and allowed the seed of faith to settle in me. A very small seed no doubt, but it'll grow, I believe, even as I know that the Lord wants to teach me many things about His ways in the US, where I'll be "launched into the deep" as Eileen keeps telling me at almost every caregroup meeting. Yes, I'll be completely out of my comfort zone. No family, no friends. Just Don, me and hopefully, half a dozen sermons filled to the brim in the depths of my brains, to allow me to call on the Word of God as I need to in every situation. Hmmm...No, that doesn't sound quite right. Why do I distant the Lord like that? Actually, the Lord will bring His presence with us every where we go too, but yup, as usual, me of little faith, does not think of the Lord being WITH ME, in the very first instance of such uncertain futures. Sorry Lord!

Sometimes, if I allowed my mind to linger on the what-ifs, I really could die of what-if-itis, as Pastor Prince coins it. Can't think of a better term than that, really. If-only-itis and what-if-itis are really seeds of condemnation that eat into every part of our souls. No, I shall not have that happening. The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. I think I'll need to arm myself with these sermons to remind myself daily that He that is in me is greater than He that is in the world, and that He will guide me with His eye. Ooh, how I love those words. Hmmm, like a sanitising peace that transcends beyond understanding when we call to remembrance His all-powering hand over our lives. No harm shall befall us. Amen!

Just spent the last hour and a half immersed in the worship of the Lord. For the first half an hour or so, I felt nothing. I tried to record some of the songs I'd written in the Mandarin Ministry when it still existed, but I didn't quite feel the flow when I played back the songs. I thought I wasn't worshipping the Lord. There was something empty, like I was trying too hard. I started playing other Mandarin songs we used to play and focused on the Lord. Still, my heart was disturbed by the recent turn of events in the Hokkien Ministry.

The hurt was still real and painful. The inadequateness and shock to be told that "I was not flowing with Pastor Louis" or that "I was competing with Pastor Mark" during altar call...I couldn't help feeling insecure about my calling to be on the worship team. I felt like giving up most times when I remember the words that had been uttered. There was nothing wrong with the commentor of my playing, but it was , as Pastor Prince mentioned in today's sermon: "when you feel frustrated in any area, it is really a reality check of yourself in that area. Pastor Prince's message today touched me once again. I needed to wake up to my own walk with God. Am I looking at men's praises and approval during worship services or am I playing unto the Lord? In any case, I'm such a primitive keyboardist that I wonder how I ever got into the state of even thinking and hoping that my playing would be accepted? Sometimes, my flesh amazes me at its stupidity and lack of logic in its understanding of its own capabilities. I just sit and gape at myself really. How could I ever even dream to be an "okay" musician in the light of the likes of Donald and Karen?

I remember the preachings of both Pastor Prince and Pastor Mark's sermons when they had declared that if they had managed to do something well, it was God and all the glory goes to Him. And if it was badly managed, it must have been their self efforts, which rightly deserved to be considered bad :). Haha, I like that very much. I want that kind of paradigm shift in my thinking. THAT, is right believing! Straight from the word of God. I can feel my spirit jump up in my seat and laugh each time they preached it! Oh yes, preach it Pastors, preach it Pastors! We need more of those reminders! Yes, all the honour, praise and glory unto the Lord! I need none for myself. If ever anyone tells me I'm doing badly in anything, I will laugh and say,"Praise the Lord! Forgive me, that was my self effort."

Nonetheless, I miss playing in the Mandarin Ministry, when technique was not so much the focus, but more so on the free flow anointing and worship of the Lord. I had played by God's grace and anointing, and the congregation never suffered from a poor note (the angels had busied themselves covering up the wrong notes everywhere, haha!) , but always enjoyed the presence of the Lord.

Still, it's just 2 more rounds of playing in the hokkien ministry and I'd have left for Savannah. I have only 2 more chances to perfect my paradigm shift act. Haha, Kat, you naughty Kat, I think you'll have a lot of fun yet to come. Even as I ended up, near midnight, preparing the songs for Tues caregroup, I felt my soul uplifted and I began to hear the Lord once again. My soul started off down and depressed earlier in the evening, but the Lord spoke to me of the songs He wanted heard, and I fell in love with Him all over again. How I love His presence! There's nothing like the moments of worship in intimate conversation with God. When God speaks, you know that everything will be alright. When God speaks, you know He knows what he's doing. And the soul falls to rest. Allowing Him to lead in anyway He wants. No need to question, no need to think.

My heart is at rest, my voice raised in worship, my fingers played to their best of their abilities. But it's okay, there's no one to impress. God will not fall off His throne at my singing or my playing, however childish, primitive, unmelodic, out of tune or simple. He does not need open chords, augmented chords, or jazz chords. He just wants my attention. And I give Him my all. I love you Lord, I can't tell You enough how You make my world go around. You are my everything, and I cast my cares upon You. I cast them, like Pastor Joshua says, "to cast it" is to throw it with speed and haste as I would if I had a cockroach on my hands; I would cast it immediately without a second thought. So I cast my fears and my cares out of my hands and towards You for Your managing. If ever I tried to take them back, I choose to cast them back as quickly as I can. I must make my choice clear. All of You, none of me.

I wrapped up my work at 6.50pm and rushed down to MacKenzie's Band Room. Pastor Louis had said he wanted to meet us at 7pm. This was bad. Some accident had occurred on CTE, there was no way I was going to reach MacKenzie on time. Waves of remorse for staying so late at work crashed over my head over and over as the minutes ticked by. Sigh* Lord, help me Lord! May there be grace towards my failure to be punctual. Surely there would be others who would be late too? My cowardly heart hoped I wouldn't be the only one. I wondered what I could do as I sat stuck in the traffic. Hmmm, I would sms Mike and tell him I would be late. I did so, and received no reply in return. Maybe he was late too himself. Then my spirit told me maybe he wasn't going to be there himself. I should sms Pastor to tell him I'd be late, and ask for another 15 mins' grace. I did so, and thank God, he said no worries, take my time.

Strangely, after the sms, the traffic cleared almost miraculously and I whizzed down the rest of the journey in 5 mins. I popped my head into the Band Room, and Pastor looked at me quizzically...whatever happened to the 15 mins? I smiled nervously and replied that the traffic cleared after the sms.

Everyone was there already. Sigh* They had waited for me before starting the session. Even as I waited to hear what would be said, I prayed that all would be well. Was there going to be an evaluation of everyone's performance? Was there going to be some new criteria for musicians/ worship leaders to meet? Had anybody done anything wrong? Whatever it was, I prayed no one would be too hard on me. I'm not a good musician, I had always known that. I play by grace, truly I do. I had started with just about managing the 4 family chords in simple keys of C, G or F, and had only very recently moved beyond that to play other chords with ease. I don't know if the Hokkien team would know that, I wished I could convey that to them but how could I do that? Shout it down everyone's throats? I couldn't simply go around telling everyone as part of my introduction that I'm quite a bad musician, and that they'd better start praying for me, their new keyboardist, 'cos I might not meet the mark.

But then, worship to me had never been about musical talent, technique or arrangements. From the moment I fell in love with the Lord, I'd spent hours in the dark of the night, tinkering on my piano, and making simple melodies to the Lord. I wasn't one of those musicians who could play so effortlessly by ear, reading pieces as if the notes were a second language, but I always could hear these notes in my mind. I try to play them out, and sometimes, when I lose myself in my praise and worship of the Lord, I forget my iniquities, and suddenly, I'm playing music that carried a fragrance in it. I would speak to the Lord for hours as I played. Whilst singing, I hear my inner spirit converse with the Lord. I hear the Lord speak to me, in all His gentleness, yet majestic greatness. As if the music soared through the silent of the night, and reached the skies where my dearest Father in heaven resided. And then suddenly, He would be right there next to me. Sitting next to me at the piano, lying next to me in bed. Oh my heavenly Father, how I love your presence. No one would ever know me as You know me. And no one could love me as You do.

Pastor Louis ended up not telling us how good or bad we were. He wanted us to focus on worshipping the Lord. He said that was the first calling in our lives. To worship the Lord. He felt we seemed to have focused too much on technique or style for the last 6 months; but really, we should focus on worshipping the Lord. I felt a burden roll off my shoulders. I know now why I was so sad yesterday. I felt in my spirit that I had not worshipped the Lord at all throughout the 2 services that I played. I was petrified on stage, struggling to play as what I ought. I could not worship. I had too many cares. I couldn't get the feel right, I couldn't flow with Pastor Louis, I wasn't playing open chords so that others in the band could play. I had never felt more inadequate in all my 4 years of playing in Mandarin Ministry. Now suddenly, only on the 3rd session with the Hokkien team, I was near mental shutdown. I couldn't manage. I didn't know what to play. My spirit was so disturbed I couldn't even think what the worship songs were about. I lost all my focus, and could barely even keep time. It was awful. That was probably why I kept crying. I didn't understand what had happened, I did not feel the Lord's presence. That was the worst nightmare of my life. To be without His presence. I could die. Die of sadness to be separated from His presence in times of worship, whilst everyone else enjoyed Him, I was outcasted. I couldn't bear it.

Pastor Louis started the session with a prayer and worship session. It was beautiful. He went around praying for every person in the room. I had wanted him to pray for me since last Monday during the Band Practice. I had so wanted to ask him to pray for me, cos I felt so weak . And today, he did. I received every word of the prayer. I took it all in. I needed it, craved for it and strengthened myself in the Lord once again. Gosh, God is so good. All that Pastor Louis spoke of were things on my heart. My tears flowed as he prayed, but this time not in sadness. They were tears of relief. God knows my heart. All is well with God. I am His beloved child. He will make all things right, whether for my current transition to Savannah, US, or in my playing with the Band.

Thank God I came for the session today. I'd half thought of not going. I would have missed out so much if I hadn't gone. Father, you're just so awesome! Thank you, Abba! :) Heehee, your daughter is almost back to her chirpy self again!

Great! After an emotionally uptight day, my sweet hubby has decided to cheer me up by teaching me how to create my own blog. So here goes. Rejecting hormonally induced tears of depression, I plummet my concentration towards getting this blog set-up right. I felt so stupid, I couldn't quit crying. I just felt really bad. It's just one of those things about being a woman. You get these horrid cycles of awful feelings in your gut, that spews out with no rhyme or reason. And they screw you from the inside out. I tried to shut out the feelings, and I'd learnt to do so over the years, so much so that now I just cry without even knowing why. The tears just flow, even in front of the public, and I'm totally helpless to scoop them back into my eyes. Sigh, I needed a dose of Pastor Prince's sermons. And I did get a good dose of it in the car on my way back from my singing classes. I clung onto the words of God that came out of my car CD player. "Tell God how you feel, if you feel sad and you are asked to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, and it's 11, tell God exactly how bad it is. He won't fall off His throne. He loves us as His children, and love to hear us tell Him exactly how we feel...God hears our prayers, even when they are uttered as groans" Pastor Prince's words rang in my head, penetrating through my depression and my spirit reached out and swalllowed them voraciously. I cried out through my tears and sobbed, "Father!" That was all I could manage. It was enough. I reached my HDB car park before the sermon finished but I sat there numbed, listening, receiving, until the sermon ended. I came out of the car feeling stronger, less tearful and more in control of my emotions. God loves me, that's all I care. Nothing else in this world matters.