I wrapped up my work at 6.50pm and rushed down to MacKenzie's Band Room. Pastor Louis had said he wanted to meet us at 7pm. This was bad. Some accident had occurred on CTE, there was no way I was going to reach MacKenzie on time. Waves of remorse for staying so late at work crashed over my head over and over as the minutes ticked by. Sigh* Lord, help me Lord! May there be grace towards my failure to be punctual. Surely there would be others who would be late too? My cowardly heart hoped I wouldn't be the only one. I wondered what I could do as I sat stuck in the traffic. Hmmm, I would sms Mike and tell him I would be late. I did so, and received no reply in return. Maybe he was late too himself. Then my spirit told me maybe he wasn't going to be there himself. I should sms Pastor to tell him I'd be late, and ask for another 15 mins' grace. I did so, and thank God, he said no worries, take my time.

Strangely, after the sms, the traffic cleared almost miraculously and I whizzed down the rest of the journey in 5 mins. I popped my head into the Band Room, and Pastor looked at me quizzically...whatever happened to the 15 mins? I smiled nervously and replied that the traffic cleared after the sms.

Everyone was there already. Sigh* They had waited for me before starting the session. Even as I waited to hear what would be said, I prayed that all would be well. Was there going to be an evaluation of everyone's performance? Was there going to be some new criteria for musicians/ worship leaders to meet? Had anybody done anything wrong? Whatever it was, I prayed no one would be too hard on me. I'm not a good musician, I had always known that. I play by grace, truly I do. I had started with just about managing the 4 family chords in simple keys of C, G or F, and had only very recently moved beyond that to play other chords with ease. I don't know if the Hokkien team would know that, I wished I could convey that to them but how could I do that? Shout it down everyone's throats? I couldn't simply go around telling everyone as part of my introduction that I'm quite a bad musician, and that they'd better start praying for me, their new keyboardist, 'cos I might not meet the mark.

But then, worship to me had never been about musical talent, technique or arrangements. From the moment I fell in love with the Lord, I'd spent hours in the dark of the night, tinkering on my piano, and making simple melodies to the Lord. I wasn't one of those musicians who could play so effortlessly by ear, reading pieces as if the notes were a second language, but I always could hear these notes in my mind. I try to play them out, and sometimes, when I lose myself in my praise and worship of the Lord, I forget my iniquities, and suddenly, I'm playing music that carried a fragrance in it. I would speak to the Lord for hours as I played. Whilst singing, I hear my inner spirit converse with the Lord. I hear the Lord speak to me, in all His gentleness, yet majestic greatness. As if the music soared through the silent of the night, and reached the skies where my dearest Father in heaven resided. And then suddenly, He would be right there next to me. Sitting next to me at the piano, lying next to me in bed. Oh my heavenly Father, how I love your presence. No one would ever know me as You know me. And no one could love me as You do.

Pastor Louis ended up not telling us how good or bad we were. He wanted us to focus on worshipping the Lord. He said that was the first calling in our lives. To worship the Lord. He felt we seemed to have focused too much on technique or style for the last 6 months; but really, we should focus on worshipping the Lord. I felt a burden roll off my shoulders. I know now why I was so sad yesterday. I felt in my spirit that I had not worshipped the Lord at all throughout the 2 services that I played. I was petrified on stage, struggling to play as what I ought. I could not worship. I had too many cares. I couldn't get the feel right, I couldn't flow with Pastor Louis, I wasn't playing open chords so that others in the band could play. I had never felt more inadequate in all my 4 years of playing in Mandarin Ministry. Now suddenly, only on the 3rd session with the Hokkien team, I was near mental shutdown. I couldn't manage. I didn't know what to play. My spirit was so disturbed I couldn't even think what the worship songs were about. I lost all my focus, and could barely even keep time. It was awful. That was probably why I kept crying. I didn't understand what had happened, I did not feel the Lord's presence. That was the worst nightmare of my life. To be without His presence. I could die. Die of sadness to be separated from His presence in times of worship, whilst everyone else enjoyed Him, I was outcasted. I couldn't bear it.

Pastor Louis started the session with a prayer and worship session. It was beautiful. He went around praying for every person in the room. I had wanted him to pray for me since last Monday during the Band Practice. I had so wanted to ask him to pray for me, cos I felt so weak . And today, he did. I received every word of the prayer. I took it all in. I needed it, craved for it and strengthened myself in the Lord once again. Gosh, God is so good. All that Pastor Louis spoke of were things on my heart. My tears flowed as he prayed, but this time not in sadness. They were tears of relief. God knows my heart. All is well with God. I am His beloved child. He will make all things right, whether for my current transition to Savannah, US, or in my playing with the Band.

Thank God I came for the session today. I'd half thought of not going. I would have missed out so much if I hadn't gone. Father, you're just so awesome! Thank you, Abba! :) Heehee, your daughter is almost back to her chirpy self again!