Just spent the last hour and a half immersed in the worship of the Lord. For the first half an hour or so, I felt nothing. I tried to record some of the songs I'd written in the Mandarin Ministry when it still existed, but I didn't quite feel the flow when I played back the songs. I thought I wasn't worshipping the Lord. There was something empty, like I was trying too hard. I started playing other Mandarin songs we used to play and focused on the Lord. Still, my heart was disturbed by the recent turn of events in the Hokkien Ministry.

The hurt was still real and painful. The inadequateness and shock to be told that "I was not flowing with Pastor Louis" or that "I was competing with Pastor Mark" during altar call...I couldn't help feeling insecure about my calling to be on the worship team. I felt like giving up most times when I remember the words that had been uttered. There was nothing wrong with the commentor of my playing, but it was , as Pastor Prince mentioned in today's sermon: "when you feel frustrated in any area, it is really a reality check of yourself in that area. Pastor Prince's message today touched me once again. I needed to wake up to my own walk with God. Am I looking at men's praises and approval during worship services or am I playing unto the Lord? In any case, I'm such a primitive keyboardist that I wonder how I ever got into the state of even thinking and hoping that my playing would be accepted? Sometimes, my flesh amazes me at its stupidity and lack of logic in its understanding of its own capabilities. I just sit and gape at myself really. How could I ever even dream to be an "okay" musician in the light of the likes of Donald and Karen?

I remember the preachings of both Pastor Prince and Pastor Mark's sermons when they had declared that if they had managed to do something well, it was God and all the glory goes to Him. And if it was badly managed, it must have been their self efforts, which rightly deserved to be considered bad :). Haha, I like that very much. I want that kind of paradigm shift in my thinking. THAT, is right believing! Straight from the word of God. I can feel my spirit jump up in my seat and laugh each time they preached it! Oh yes, preach it Pastors, preach it Pastors! We need more of those reminders! Yes, all the honour, praise and glory unto the Lord! I need none for myself. If ever anyone tells me I'm doing badly in anything, I will laugh and say,"Praise the Lord! Forgive me, that was my self effort."

Nonetheless, I miss playing in the Mandarin Ministry, when technique was not so much the focus, but more so on the free flow anointing and worship of the Lord. I had played by God's grace and anointing, and the congregation never suffered from a poor note (the angels had busied themselves covering up the wrong notes everywhere, haha!) , but always enjoyed the presence of the Lord.

Still, it's just 2 more rounds of playing in the hokkien ministry and I'd have left for Savannah. I have only 2 more chances to perfect my paradigm shift act. Haha, Kat, you naughty Kat, I think you'll have a lot of fun yet to come. Even as I ended up, near midnight, preparing the songs for Tues caregroup, I felt my soul uplifted and I began to hear the Lord once again. My soul started off down and depressed earlier in the evening, but the Lord spoke to me of the songs He wanted heard, and I fell in love with Him all over again. How I love His presence! There's nothing like the moments of worship in intimate conversation with God. When God speaks, you know that everything will be alright. When God speaks, you know He knows what he's doing. And the soul falls to rest. Allowing Him to lead in anyway He wants. No need to question, no need to think.

My heart is at rest, my voice raised in worship, my fingers played to their best of their abilities. But it's okay, there's no one to impress. God will not fall off His throne at my singing or my playing, however childish, primitive, unmelodic, out of tune or simple. He does not need open chords, augmented chords, or jazz chords. He just wants my attention. And I give Him my all. I love you Lord, I can't tell You enough how You make my world go around. You are my everything, and I cast my cares upon You. I cast them, like Pastor Joshua says, "to cast it" is to throw it with speed and haste as I would if I had a cockroach on my hands; I would cast it immediately without a second thought. So I cast my fears and my cares out of my hands and towards You for Your managing. If ever I tried to take them back, I choose to cast them back as quickly as I can. I must make my choice clear. All of You, none of me.