Just spent the last hour and a half immersed in the worship of the Lord. For the first half an hour or so, I felt nothing. I tried to record some of the songs I'd written in the Mandarin Ministry when it still existed, but I didn't quite feel the flow when I played back the songs. I thought I wasn't worshipping the Lord. There was something empty, like I was trying too hard. I started playing other Mandarin songs we used to play and focused on the Lord. Still, my heart was disturbed by the recent turn of events in the Hokkien Ministry.

The hurt was still real and painful. The inadequateness and shock to be told that "I was not flowing with Pastor Louis" or that "I was competing with Pastor Mark" during altar call...I couldn't help feeling insecure about my calling to be on the worship team. I felt like giving up most times when I remember the words that had been uttered. There was nothing wrong with the commentor of my playing, but it was , as Pastor Prince mentioned in today's sermon: "when you feel frustrated in any area, it is really a reality check of yourself in that area. Pastor Prince's message today touched me once again. I needed to wake up to my own walk with God. Am I looking at men's praises and approval during worship services or am I playing unto the Lord? In any case, I'm such a primitive keyboardist that I wonder how I ever got into the state of even thinking and hoping that my playing would be accepted? Sometimes, my flesh amazes me at its stupidity and lack of logic in its understanding of its own capabilities. I just sit and gape at myself really. How could I ever even dream to be an "okay" musician in the light of the likes of Donald and Karen?

I remember the preachings of both Pastor Prince and Pastor Mark's sermons when they had declared that if they had managed to do something well, it was God and all the glory goes to Him. And if it was badly managed, it must have been their self efforts, which rightly deserved to be considered bad :). Haha, I like that very much. I want that kind of paradigm shift in my thinking. THAT, is right believing! Straight from the word of God. I can feel my spirit jump up in my seat and laugh each time they preached it! Oh yes, preach it Pastors, preach it Pastors! We need more of those reminders! Yes, all the honour, praise and glory unto the Lord! I need none for myself. If ever anyone tells me I'm doing badly in anything, I will laugh and say,"Praise the Lord! Forgive me, that was my self effort."

Nonetheless, I miss playing in the Mandarin Ministry, when technique was not so much the focus, but more so on the free flow anointing and worship of the Lord. I had played by God's grace and anointing, and the congregation never suffered from a poor note (the angels had busied themselves covering up the wrong notes everywhere, haha!) , but always enjoyed the presence of the Lord.

Still, it's just 2 more rounds of playing in the hokkien ministry and I'd have left for Savannah. I have only 2 more chances to perfect my paradigm shift act. Haha, Kat, you naughty Kat, I think you'll have a lot of fun yet to come. Even as I ended up, near midnight, preparing the songs for Tues caregroup, I felt my soul uplifted and I began to hear the Lord once again. My soul started off down and depressed earlier in the evening, but the Lord spoke to me of the songs He wanted heard, and I fell in love with Him all over again. How I love His presence! There's nothing like the moments of worship in intimate conversation with God. When God speaks, you know that everything will be alright. When God speaks, you know He knows what he's doing. And the soul falls to rest. Allowing Him to lead in anyway He wants. No need to question, no need to think.

My heart is at rest, my voice raised in worship, my fingers played to their best of their abilities. But it's okay, there's no one to impress. God will not fall off His throne at my singing or my playing, however childish, primitive, unmelodic, out of tune or simple. He does not need open chords, augmented chords, or jazz chords. He just wants my attention. And I give Him my all. I love you Lord, I can't tell You enough how You make my world go around. You are my everything, and I cast my cares upon You. I cast them, like Pastor Joshua says, "to cast it" is to throw it with speed and haste as I would if I had a cockroach on my hands; I would cast it immediately without a second thought. So I cast my fears and my cares out of my hands and towards You for Your managing. If ever I tried to take them back, I choose to cast them back as quickly as I can. I must make my choice clear. All of You, none of me.

I wrapped up my work at 6.50pm and rushed down to MacKenzie's Band Room. Pastor Louis had said he wanted to meet us at 7pm. This was bad. Some accident had occurred on CTE, there was no way I was going to reach MacKenzie on time. Waves of remorse for staying so late at work crashed over my head over and over as the minutes ticked by. Sigh* Lord, help me Lord! May there be grace towards my failure to be punctual. Surely there would be others who would be late too? My cowardly heart hoped I wouldn't be the only one. I wondered what I could do as I sat stuck in the traffic. Hmmm, I would sms Mike and tell him I would be late. I did so, and received no reply in return. Maybe he was late too himself. Then my spirit told me maybe he wasn't going to be there himself. I should sms Pastor to tell him I'd be late, and ask for another 15 mins' grace. I did so, and thank God, he said no worries, take my time.

Strangely, after the sms, the traffic cleared almost miraculously and I whizzed down the rest of the journey in 5 mins. I popped my head into the Band Room, and Pastor looked at me quizzically...whatever happened to the 15 mins? I smiled nervously and replied that the traffic cleared after the sms.

Everyone was there already. Sigh* They had waited for me before starting the session. Even as I waited to hear what would be said, I prayed that all would be well. Was there going to be an evaluation of everyone's performance? Was there going to be some new criteria for musicians/ worship leaders to meet? Had anybody done anything wrong? Whatever it was, I prayed no one would be too hard on me. I'm not a good musician, I had always known that. I play by grace, truly I do. I had started with just about managing the 4 family chords in simple keys of C, G or F, and had only very recently moved beyond that to play other chords with ease. I don't know if the Hokkien team would know that, I wished I could convey that to them but how could I do that? Shout it down everyone's throats? I couldn't simply go around telling everyone as part of my introduction that I'm quite a bad musician, and that they'd better start praying for me, their new keyboardist, 'cos I might not meet the mark.

But then, worship to me had never been about musical talent, technique or arrangements. From the moment I fell in love with the Lord, I'd spent hours in the dark of the night, tinkering on my piano, and making simple melodies to the Lord. I wasn't one of those musicians who could play so effortlessly by ear, reading pieces as if the notes were a second language, but I always could hear these notes in my mind. I try to play them out, and sometimes, when I lose myself in my praise and worship of the Lord, I forget my iniquities, and suddenly, I'm playing music that carried a fragrance in it. I would speak to the Lord for hours as I played. Whilst singing, I hear my inner spirit converse with the Lord. I hear the Lord speak to me, in all His gentleness, yet majestic greatness. As if the music soared through the silent of the night, and reached the skies where my dearest Father in heaven resided. And then suddenly, He would be right there next to me. Sitting next to me at the piano, lying next to me in bed. Oh my heavenly Father, how I love your presence. No one would ever know me as You know me. And no one could love me as You do.

Pastor Louis ended up not telling us how good or bad we were. He wanted us to focus on worshipping the Lord. He said that was the first calling in our lives. To worship the Lord. He felt we seemed to have focused too much on technique or style for the last 6 months; but really, we should focus on worshipping the Lord. I felt a burden roll off my shoulders. I know now why I was so sad yesterday. I felt in my spirit that I had not worshipped the Lord at all throughout the 2 services that I played. I was petrified on stage, struggling to play as what I ought. I could not worship. I had too many cares. I couldn't get the feel right, I couldn't flow with Pastor Louis, I wasn't playing open chords so that others in the band could play. I had never felt more inadequate in all my 4 years of playing in Mandarin Ministry. Now suddenly, only on the 3rd session with the Hokkien team, I was near mental shutdown. I couldn't manage. I didn't know what to play. My spirit was so disturbed I couldn't even think what the worship songs were about. I lost all my focus, and could barely even keep time. It was awful. That was probably why I kept crying. I didn't understand what had happened, I did not feel the Lord's presence. That was the worst nightmare of my life. To be without His presence. I could die. Die of sadness to be separated from His presence in times of worship, whilst everyone else enjoyed Him, I was outcasted. I couldn't bear it.

Pastor Louis started the session with a prayer and worship session. It was beautiful. He went around praying for every person in the room. I had wanted him to pray for me since last Monday during the Band Practice. I had so wanted to ask him to pray for me, cos I felt so weak . And today, he did. I received every word of the prayer. I took it all in. I needed it, craved for it and strengthened myself in the Lord once again. Gosh, God is so good. All that Pastor Louis spoke of were things on my heart. My tears flowed as he prayed, but this time not in sadness. They were tears of relief. God knows my heart. All is well with God. I am His beloved child. He will make all things right, whether for my current transition to Savannah, US, or in my playing with the Band.

Thank God I came for the session today. I'd half thought of not going. I would have missed out so much if I hadn't gone. Father, you're just so awesome! Thank you, Abba! :) Heehee, your daughter is almost back to her chirpy self again!

Great! After an emotionally uptight day, my sweet hubby has decided to cheer me up by teaching me how to create my own blog. So here goes. Rejecting hormonally induced tears of depression, I plummet my concentration towards getting this blog set-up right. I felt so stupid, I couldn't quit crying. I just felt really bad. It's just one of those things about being a woman. You get these horrid cycles of awful feelings in your gut, that spews out with no rhyme or reason. And they screw you from the inside out. I tried to shut out the feelings, and I'd learnt to do so over the years, so much so that now I just cry without even knowing why. The tears just flow, even in front of the public, and I'm totally helpless to scoop them back into my eyes. Sigh, I needed a dose of Pastor Prince's sermons. And I did get a good dose of it in the car on my way back from my singing classes. I clung onto the words of God that came out of my car CD player. "Tell God how you feel, if you feel sad and you are asked to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, and it's 11, tell God exactly how bad it is. He won't fall off His throne. He loves us as His children, and love to hear us tell Him exactly how we feel...God hears our prayers, even when they are uttered as groans" Pastor Prince's words rang in my head, penetrating through my depression and my spirit reached out and swalllowed them voraciously. I cried out through my tears and sobbed, "Father!" That was all I could manage. It was enough. I reached my HDB car park before the sermon finished but I sat there numbed, listening, receiving, until the sermon ended. I came out of the car feeling stronger, less tearful and more in control of my emotions. God loves me, that's all I care. Nothing else in this world matters.